I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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