The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
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