i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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