Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
Randomize