The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize