i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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