im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
there was a trapeze. enough said
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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