his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Randomize
