Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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