And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Randomize
