Sober January is a disaster.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
Slut skills are useful in every country.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
