M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
it was like having sex with a tree stump
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
