You really coming over, don't trick.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Randomize
