I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Randomize
