wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Randomize
