Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
