Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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