So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
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