Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
