I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
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