Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
