I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Randomize
