i permit you to call me
Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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