but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
