How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Randomize
