I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize