I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
