I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Randomize