I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize