the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Randomize
