My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
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