stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Randomize
