Just fell off a train. Bad.
Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
It's blow job season.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
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