I cannot find my penis.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
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