Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
