So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Randomize
