probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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