I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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