Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
