I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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