fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
