How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Randomize