apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
