I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Randomize