You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I looked at my own cervix.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
How's work?
Spinning.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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