The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
