I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
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