the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
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