So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
