The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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