I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Your shirt... Was in my pants
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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