just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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