watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
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