just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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