Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
