I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
