Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
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