we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
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