He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Randomize
