I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
