just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
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