I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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