So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
I wear drunk well.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize