if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
