Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
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