how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
they call him Oral-B. enough said
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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