I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
Randomize
