hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Randomize
