Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
